Safety.

Why is that i feel that the people in this country feel the only thing worth dying for right now is the freedom/safety of our country? Now don't misunderstand me. I am not speaking against the war and I am not speaking for the war and I know that there are a lot of people who may not agree that there is anything worth dying for. Hear me out though. I'm talking about this country's view of safety. I'm talking about our rights as citizens of a country based on freedom, and ultimately i am talking about the cost of following Jesus.

When people decide to join the army, no one asks them "is it safe?" It would even be considered unpatriotic to tell them not to go and serve their country. And most parents would be looked down on to say they were not proud of their child for fighting for freedom. right? at least this is the case in my understanding.

How come then when I tell people that next year I will be traveling the world to help people, i get the lecture of safety and what do your parents think? and i don't feel like my parents are proud of me. their first response was don't go. why do you hate us? and their reaction is to argue with my views on everything -political and spiritual. i feel like they don't even listen to me anymore. they automatically tune me out when i start talking, i feel it. here is an example; the other day my dad and i were disagreeing (as usual about the war) and i started to tell this story of why i stood where i did on the war and i started to cry (i've been doing that a lot lately) and i hate crying in front of my dad I try not to, but it was a sad story and i felt his non emotional response. and my mom was sitting on the other couch and she was just like "it's okay, that was sad." and honestly maybe this is selfish or i don't know but really what i truly wanted at that moment was for my parents to hug me and cry with me for the people whose lives are being torn apart by this war. for the children who are suffering because of this war. why have we allowed ourselves to be so separate from this war? We compartmentalize and tell ourselves that "those people" deserve to die. they are all bad and terrorists and ......blah blah blah. it makes me so sick!

okay i said this was not going to be a war post...moving on i just feel like the people in this country including majority of christians feel there is nothing worth dying for except nationalism. we have become a people so in love with our country it can do nothing wrong. there are so many examples of this. we as citizens of america are supposed to keep our leaders in check. i think we are doing a terrible job at it. we are supposed to be a country against oppression and totalatarianism and any other idea that takes away the God-given freedom of every human being on this earth! or at least that is my understanding of the revolution and the declaration of independence (correct me if i am wrong). Instead we have become one of Power and i feel world domination. the more wealthier and powerful we can make this country the better. No matter who we step on or hurt (i.e. sweatshops! oppressive wars! racism!)
how does our government go about choosing the "oppressive country" it is going to help? what about cuba and china? how come their dictators aren't worth overthrowing?

I know it sounds like i hate my country, but i don't! In fact I am thankful for the freedom my country offers. There is so much potential and we have done good things! I am worried, though, about where America is headed. we need to be careful! we need to be careful about nationalism and becoming closed minded to other countries forms of gov't, religions, points of view. we need to be careful in trusting that our government always knows what is best for us; as with the safety issue. our government, it seems is so concerned about our safety. They started that color chart that alerted us on how dangerous that day was (red, orange, yellow,etc). they can tap into our phones and our computers. our government has the ability to follow us and keep tabs on us to make sure we aren't planning on doing anything illegal and that makes me feel violated. where is my freedom if the government is consistently watching me? we have even thought about censorship, and it becomes a question of would i rather be free or safe? and i would chose freedom over safety any day! death is a part of life and freedom should be as well.

so what is my point? Fear is a dangerous emotion! it makes us desire anything that promises to protect us. even if that means more government and less freedom. fear of death is even more dangerous. Can life really be worth living without a cause worth dying for? Without risks?
Is the safe way really the better way?

The western church has taken away the cost of following Jesus. Christianity is so common and accepted as a norm in this country especially in the south, we don't know what it means to be persecuted for our beliefs. the church has even gone so far as to involve itself with the government. christians have become nationalistic. we have become blinded to our countries problems. the only ones we seem to notice our the abortion rates and cases of gay marriage. wake up, church! wake up! what about the other crisis in the world like AIDS! Rick Warren's church held a conference recently in raising awareness on AIDS. more congregations and christians need to clue in on this and join in. Also, I mentioned this before but sweatshops. if every christian stopped supporting companies that use sweatshops they would be put out of business or have to take better care of their workers. Just like if every christian donated $20 to helping people with AIDS we could probably stop the spread of it and end the disease. Other issues like Sex Trafficking and Slavery! The church can help put an end to these things as well. but it may not always be safe. It may cause us pain and some people may lose their lives. It will definitely cause us to hopefully be uncomfortable and realize that if the church won't spread the kingdom of God, he will find people who will. It reminds me of John the Baptist in Luke 3. He says to the Jews, "do not say to yourself I am a child of Abraham, because God can raise up children of Abraham from these very stones!" As the church we become like the jews, and say but we are His bride. He loves us. We are his chosen ones to do his work. if we don't do it though God will raise up people to do his work. ones that the church would look down upon. the ones that we would least consider "godly" like the rockstars and the actors. God is so Amazing!

People we can not live in fear! We are called to live in Love and "Love casts out all Fear!" My parents are afraid. They think I am going to die. Honestly, I am afraid, but I don't think I am going to die. i am more afraid because of the pain i think i will feel on this trip both physically and emotionally. I know that God loves me though and I believe it and it is because of His Love that I want to live my life loving and serving others even if it means pain and ultimately death. this body is not immortal. One day we will all die. it is one of life's guarantees. With that in mind I choose to use my freedom and follow a dangerous and loving Savior wherever he leads me.

friends till the end...

Recently, i listened in on a theological discussion about prayer. they discussed whether intercessory prayer was really necessary or prayer in general if God already knows how everything is going to happen.

We asked the question: Why do we pray? Is God really outside of time? Our are futures really set in stone? Does prayer work?

the group came to a conclusion that "we pray because we are commanded to pray." Jesus tells us to pray and teaches us how to pray. a relationship with God is dependent on us praying. If we have a friend we never talk to we would call that more of an acquaintance than a friend. To be God's friend it is important to talk to Him. prayer allows us to walk through this life with our friend, God, at our side.

that tells us why we pray, but what about God being outside of time and intercessory prayer?
and if God is outside of time than can we pray for the past and the future? When if it is more like God lives in eternity, but the future is now. So yes, He sees the past happening and the future... i'm confusing myself.

Remember, the story of Moses and the Israelites where he comes down from the Mountain and they have made themselves an idol. God becomes so angry He says He is going to destroy the Israelites and make a great nation from Moses. Moses pleads with the Lord though not to destroy the people and both the text in english as well as in Hebrew say that God changed His mind. Did God know He was going to change His mind? or Did He have a different future in mind?

Can God change His mind? In other texts it tells us that our God is unchanging. I liked how one lady in the discussion said that as we are walking with God and we grow in our relationship maybe He is willing to negotiate with us on somethings, but with other things He tells us that this is the way it has to be. I don't know if I agree with that, but I thought it was interesting. i also think it is interesting to think that maybe God doesn't have the future planned out on every point. Does that take away His control? If we have free will though can God really know exactly everything that we are going to do? Does that make Him less powerful? I don't think it does, but i know people who do.

I really am not going anywhere with this post. I just thought these were thought provoking questions on prayer. over the last couple of years I have learned not to be afraid of these questions. The more I ask and learn the bigger God gets and the less able I am to define Him, which is great! I will probably never have God all figured out, and I will know Him for an eternity. that's crazy!

Spirit of the living God

Spirit of the Living God
Fall afresh on me.
Melt me,
Mold me,
Fill me,
Use me,
Spirit of the Living God
Fall afresh on me.

Tony Campolo. i heard him speak a couple of times this weekend and each time God tore at my heart. the last time i heard him speak after his prayer he started to sing the song above and it was so powerful and beautiful. He is so beautiful. He is so honest. He spoke of poverty and being a red letter christian and our culture of consumerism, and hearing him speak was like hearing the words of God. I imagine I felt how the Israelites felt when Moses would come down from the Mountain and tell them what God says. a sense of awe and admiration and fear. In a way tony scares me because it's obvious he and God are tight, but he is so humble admitting his shortcomings and knowing that God is still molding him into who he is created to be.

this last weekend in Charlotte was a difficult one for me. very emotionally draining and physically as well. i felt like we were constantly attending seminars and general sessions, because we were. there were just so many amazing speakers i and nobody else wanted to miss. there was not one day though that God did not tear at my heart about someone or some issue. I mean the first night we were there we went and listened to Leeland and their song Tears of the Saints which i have heard several times before; this time tore me up. it is such a powerful song. I heard God speaking to me this weekend, and hearing Him and His word makes me cry; maybe because it's been so long since i have actually opened my heart to hear Him. i will write more about the weekend later, because i also got to meet another person who has impacted my life and challenged me, Shane Claiborne. that is another blog though. peace.

shelter from the storm

'twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood
when blackness was a virtue and the road was full of mud
i came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form.
"come in," she said,
"i'll give you shelter from the storm."

and if i pass this way again, you can rest assured
i'll always do my best for her, on that i give my word
in a world of steel-eyed death, and men who are fighting to be warm.
"come in," she said,
"i'll give you shelter from the storm."

not a word was spoke between us, there was little risk involved
everything up to that point had been left unresolved.
try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"come in," she said,
"i'll give you shelter from the storm."

i was burned out from exhaustion, buried in the hail,
poisoned in the bushes an' blown out on the trail,
hunted like a crocodile, ravaged in the corn.
"come in," she said,
"i'll give you shelter from the storm."

suddenly i turned around and she was standin' there
with silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair.
she walked up to me so gracefully and took my crown of thorns.
"come in," she said,
"i'll give you shelter from the storm."

now there’s a wall between us, something has been lost
i took too much for granted, i got my signals crossed.
and just to think it all began on an uneventful morn,
"come in," she said,
"i'll give you shelter from the storm."

well, the deputy walks on hard nails and the preacher rides a mount
but nothing really matters much, it's doom alone that counts
and the one-eyed undertaker, he blows a futile horn.
"come in," she said,
"i'll give you shelter from the storm."

i've heard newborn babies wailin' like a moanin' dove
and old men with broken teeth stranded without love.
do i understand your question, man, is it hopeless and forlorn?
"come in," she said,
"i'll give you shelter from the storm."

in a little hilltop village, they gambled for my clothes
i bargained for salvation an' she give me a lethal dose.
i offered up my innocence and got repaid with scorn.
"come in," she said,
"i'll give you shelter from the storm."

i'm livin' in a foreign country but i'm bound to cross the line
beauty walks a razor's edge, someday i'll make it mine.
if i could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born,
"come in," she said,
"i'll give you shelter from the storm."


by bob dylan

with god on our side

oh my name it ain't nothin', my age, it means less.
the country i come from is the free, open west.
i was taught and brought up there, the laws to abide,
and that the land that i live in has God on its side.

oh, the history books tell it, they tell it so well.
the cavalries charged, the indians fell.
the cavalries charged, the indians died,
oh the country was young, with God on its side.

the spanish-american war had its day,
and the civil war, too, was soon laid away,
and the names of the heroes, i was made to memorize,
with guns in their hands and God on their side.

the first world war, boys, it came and it went,
the reason for fighting, i never did get,
but i learned to accept it, accept it with pride,
for you don't count the dead when God's on your side.

the second world war came to an end,
we forgave the germans, and then we were friends.
though they crucified millions, and it can’t be denied
the germans, now too, have God on their side.

but now we got weapons of chemical dust
if fire them were forced to, then fire them we must
one push of the button, they shot the world wide
and you never ask questions, when God is on your side

through many dark hour, i’ve been thinkin' about this:
that Jesus Christ was betrayed by a kiss.
but i can't think for ya, you'll have to decide
whether judas iscariot had God on his side.

so now as i'm leavin', i'm weary as hell.
the confusion i'm feelin', ain't no tongue can tell.
the words fill my head then fall to the floor
that if God's on our side, then he'll stop the next war?

by bob dylan


* guess i'm kinda in a bob dylan mood

The World Race

so i finally got the call last night from adventures in missions (aim) telling me that i am accepted for the world race!!! *scream* i am so excited! i pretty much walked around with a smile on my face the whole day today :)

i was just on the site again though www.theworldrace.org and i couldn't believe that i actually want to do this, and i am actually going to do this. i must be insane! the things that i am going to see, the constant moving, the possibility of having to live in a tent for a month or a roach infested hotel!!! oh that alone makes me want to cry. those of you who know me well know that i have a major roach phobia. also, i will just be living on basically whatever i can carry on my back!! and it's suggested i only bring a weeks worth of clothes for an entire year! so this is awesome! i am definitely going to be challenged! it's going to be amazing to experience life with as little as possible. a simple life. i have always talked about living simply and now here is my chance!

i am looking forward to this experience with both fear and excitement! i can't wait to meet the 4 or 5 people that i will be teamed with and who will become my family. i can't wait to live simply and actually live outside of comfort and be dependent on God for things i have never had to depend on Him for before. i can't wait to meet the people who live in the cities i will be visiting and hang out with them and love them and eat with them. i already love them and i don't even know them. i can't wait to see the way God is going to grow me on this trip and change me even more into who He created me to be. I feel as though I am ready to leave tomorrow, but I know that is impossible there is so much that needs to be done and so many things God is going to teach me before i leave in September.

follow me

But Samuel replied:

"Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better than the fat of rams."
I Samuel 15:22

why do we feel that we know more than God? God specifically ordered Saul to destroy all of the Amalekites and everything belonging to them. Everything belonging to them, including animals. Saul decides to save some of the animals, the ones he found to be good, to sacrifice to the Lord. This was displeasing to the Lord and Saul loses the throne.

i'm struggling. obedience is something i strive for, but it is so difficult for me not to think my way is better.

i am always in such a hurry to get on to the next phase of my life. in middle school i couldn't wait to go to high school. in high school i couldn't wait to get to college. in college i couldn't wait to get out of school and i felt "start my life". now i can't wait and am eagerly searching for what is next in my life. everyone tells me that, "you are where you're supposed to be." and i believe that for the most part. I know God is shaping me and has been shaping for what he has called me to do. It is just difficult to be patient and to obey.

He has taught me so much about love and truth and justice. He is not bound by anything! it's so easy for religion to create God in their own image and for them to give him limits and claim to know everything about His Law and His Truth. I am so thankful God is not bound by religion! I am so thankful that He is defined as Love and Truth, and humans have very limited understanding on either.

But still i fail in being obedient when the God of Love and Truth calls me to "be still and know that I am God." why are relationships so difficult, yet so vital to our existence! my relationship with God is pretty one-sided right now. me talk you listen, God. one-sided relationships never work out well though. they become stagnant. i don't know why i am finding it difficult to listen to Him? i think i am afraid of what He will say. i think i am afraid of what's next or what's not next. I am starting to doubt myself and my dreams. are they real? yes, they are! i know they are. fear and doubt are my biggest adversaries.

I keep being reminded of this verse in John chapter 21. it takes place after Jesus is ressurected and he is with his disciples. Peter and Jesus are walking along talking and Jesus says to Peter,

"I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"
Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?"). When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?
Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."

i honestly don't know why this verse affects me so much. i think it is because i hear Jesus saying to me "follow me" and my response is like Peter's. i look around to see what other people are doing. what are you calling other people to do? i compare my gifts with theirs and ask are you sure you want me to follow you? i want to follow Jesus. i really do! i want so much to be like him, but i doubt myself and my abilities. i fear the dangers of love and mercy and forgiveness and truth, but i know they are greatest things i will ever know. does that make sense?

Judges 11:30-38

i have been doing a study called "the bible in 90 days" over the last couple of weeks. it's just what it is titled reading the bible in 90 days cover to cover, starting in genesis and ending in revelation. i am really enjoying it and finding myself asking tons of questions. it's sad though because i haven't really been able to discuss what i've been reading with anyone, and i really want to. the old testament is so interesting. while i have read most of it before, i know i have skipped over most of numbers and leviticus before. anyways i am going to start posting questions i have about what i read starting with Judges 11:30 which is where i have been reading tonight.

my question is about God and child sacrifice? automatically my mind goes to abraham when God tells abraham to sacrifice his only son isaac, but only wanted to test abraham's faith. when he saw abraham was willing to do whatever He asked, He stopped abraham from sacrificing isaac and provided a ram for the sacrifice.

in judges 11:30-38, japhtheh makes a vow to the Lord, that if He will give the ammonites into japhtheh's hands, whatever comes out of the door of his house to meet him when he returns in triumph will be the Lord's, and he will sacrifice it as a burnt offering. well that wasn't a very smart vow to make, and when japhtheh returned home from defeating the ammonites his daughter, only child, came out first to meet him. when he saw her he cried out and tore his clothes and informed her about his vow to the Lord. interestingly enough her response is, "give me 2 months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because i will never marry." after 2 months, she returned and japhtheh did to her as he had vowed. and the story makes sure to tell us at the end she was a virgin.

what was God thinking through all of this?
why didn't he stop japhtheh?
why does God choose to interfere in some incidences but not others?
did God really accept this "virgin" sacrifice?
why did japhtheh feel the need to make this vow?
what is meant by house?
wouldn't anything coming out of the house be human?
is this story eluding to the sacrifice of Jesus? japhtheh's only child, yet she is a girl. he loves her though very much.
what would have happened if japhtheh had broken the vow? (Numbers 30:2 - just says he must not break his word but must do everything he said)
how come she needed to leave for 2 months?
why didn't she just run away?

anyways these are just a few of the questions i have on this section...back to reading

Amazing Coincidence?....I Think Not.

Yesterday i was sitting outside of starbucks enjoying the beautiful weather, when all of the sudden a man approaches me and says, "Here I just wanted to give you some interesting information on the Titanic," while handing me a postcard with a picture of a sinking Titanic. Intrigued I take the postcard, and he leaves without saying anything else.

When I finally read the writing on the back, I realized that it was a tract or a track however it is said/spelled. it claims that there are remarkable parallels between the story of the Titanic and the biblical "plan" of salvation. It is titled 'Amazing Coincidence'. i could not believe it. my feelings were so mixed. i was sad that the guy actually thought he was evangelizing to me. he thought he had shared jesus with me, the good news. also, what kind of sick mind could compare a beautiful story of love with a tragic story of pride.

Here is a summary of the track.
the Titanic = the World
the Iceberg = the Moral Law (i think i hear kirk cameron in the background)
the Lifeboats = Jesus Christ

here is one of the many tragic flaws in this comparison. the track says that only those who believed the titanic was sinking looked for lifeboats, just as those who believe they are in mortal danger (what?) will look to the 'Lifeboat of the Savior' (oh please)... but as any of us who have seen the movie know :) ...hello, only the first class passengers and women and children were let on the lifeboats first. So i guess Jesus came first only for the wealthy and women and children, and if there is room in the lifeboat then he'll take the men and the poor. thank goodness I am female.

According to this track Jesus offers us a place in the Lifeboat. I think Donald Miller would laugh so hard at this. i know i do when i think about his book 'searching for God knows what'. he specifically talks about how we have this lifeboat theory in our culture and how jesus doesn't. we look up to and admire the wealthy and powerful. we only want to surround ourselves with people who we feel are important and intelligent or can contribute to society in a positive way. Jesus however surrounded himself with 'losers' and people who had problems, made bad choices, were not considered important, were poor, etc... none of those people would have made it onto the lifeboats on the titanic. they probably would have gone down with the ship or froze to death in the water. wow!

this track brings up so many questions about the truth of christianity and i can't even write any more about it because i am outraged by it. it is ridiculous. Jesus is so much more than a lifeboat! how can we reduce him to that? God did not create this world to be a sinking ship! Where did we come up with this stuff. brothers and sisters we are in need of a change! how can we accept this as truth? Jesus, Help us! Nowhere in the entire track does it have the word Love!!!

The track ends with this sentence: "...read the Bible daily, obey what you read...and God will never let you down." Really? maybe the people who wrote this track should read the bible. Obey everything that I read? So in the OT when it talks about stoning people who sin, we should do that right? and women shouldn't teach and they should wear headcoverings? maybe i'm going a bit overboard, but i think they should put a different sentence there. why not something like,
"ask questions and seek after truth daily...and you will discover a God beyond our understanding with love beyond our understanding."

thoughts on cityfest

CityFest...yesterday Alan and i took about 10 students to Eleanor Tinsley Park to see what was supposed to be the city's greatest "christian" event of all time. the idea is great, a whole city coming together as one despite denomination and theological differences. an event to show that christians are cool and xtreme. we skateboard and bike for Jesus. i knew it was going to be an interesting event when i was waiting in-line to buy tickets to buy food (yeah you had to buy tickets to buy food) and i heard one of the skateboarders say something to the extent of "if you believe in Jesus you're going to heaven and if you don't you're going to hell. now who wants to accept Jesus into their hearts?" and that is basically the way the whole night went. now to be honest i expected it to be like that, but i went hoping i was wrong.

now to be fair i was only their for about 6 hours of the 24 hours the event took up. and i only heard 2 people talk including Louis Palaou so maybe i missed the explanation of who Jesus is. if i weren't a christian though, and i only attended those 6 hours i don't think i would be a christian and i'd still have no clue who Jesus is nor would I understand why i would want to go to heaven to be with him.

honestly, i don't want to be negative about the event. Jesus says, "whoever is not against me, is for me," and i am sure that people's lives were changed by the event. still I just wish i could have heard somebody talk about Jesus. explain from the beginning why he had to die and rise. explain what he did on earth that he came to establish his kingdom and bring redemption. explain what it means to be a christian, that it is more than just believe and go to heaven. If that is the whole story than what is the point of living on earth. God should just take us up once we believe in Jesus. I really wanted to hear some good news! i wanted to hear a story of how Jesus changed a person's life! in fact, i wanted to get up and share my life since nobody else was. along with that i wanted to hear a call to action. i'm sick of this passive christianity! Can there be such a thing as a passive, apathetic christian? is that possible? i don't know. i know that i can not be that kind of christian though. lately, i have been feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and i know that probably sounds ridiculous, but that is how i have been feeling. i know there are christians out there serving the people of this world for the Lord and i want to be a part of that.

So now I just have to say this because it has been eating at me for the last 24 hours. Here we were in the middle of Downtown Houston surrounded by hurting people. people who are homeless and desperate. A whole bunch of christians ignoring the poor and singing worship songs to Jesus....i don't know went on the whole weekend, but i know that i am guilty probably more so than anyone...something that would have been cool is if for that one weekend you could have set up camp in downtown Houston and hung out with the homeless people and got to know them and found a way to help them. that would be a real cityfest! christians coming together and meeting the needs of their neighbors, what a thought! that would be true evangelism. lasting evangelism. evangelism that people can understand. that would be showing Jesus to the people of Houston.

Sadly, I didn't meet Jesus last night at Cityfest. i didn't see him there. maybe i didn't look hard enough. i definitely didn't see him in the prices of food. i didn't see him in the merchandise being sold. i didn't see him in the booths that i passed. I didn't see him in the police who were trying to kick a lady out for speaking her mind, and i didn't see him in the talk of "do you want to go to heaven or do you want to go to hell?" In fact you know where i saw Jesus last night and honestly it didn't even hit me till right now. As we were walking back to our car, I saw him in a little child, sleeping in the doorway of a Subway restaurant with no adult in sight, while a huge christian cityfest was going on a few blocks away. Jesus, i'm so sorry.

We Will Watch the Universe Die

we were born in a time beyond time.
we were born in the mind of God, so
we were born in a time before time.

previous to the dust of stars
we were made before mars was a twinkle in God's eye;
before million-mile rings went twirling by
only to be caught in the arms of jupiter.

we will outlast those two
and the rest of the brothers nine
to watch the chest of the sun collapse upon itself
and take with it time
and day and night
and every measuring tool we used
to quantify...

what did we call it again?
back when there was a word for the space
between one point and another?
before we watched each solar system's stars
fall in on one another?

now there's no more dividing rods,
everywhere is God,
everywhere is God,
and everything is now.
now is all there is
in the mind of God because

now is eternity
and then is eternity. And
when is eternity?
eternity is now.

we were not born to burn out bright.
we were reborn through the firstborn of the wedding night
of God and God and God.
everywhere is God,
everywhere is God,
and every when is now.

by joshua blankenship

welcome to the neighborhood

this past weekend i got sick, and i never get sick! i even lost my voice friday and saturday, which was perfect timing with the mid-high lock-in and all! anyways i bring this up because i basically stayed in bed a lot today recovering from a busy weekend, and i was reading the gospel of John and the whole first 18 verses talk about "the Word". it reminded me of my freshman year of college when i heard a story about a friend who in high school nicknamed his bed "the word" so when people asked him what he had been doing all day; he would say, "man, i have been in 'the word' all day," and people would be really impressed. i just always thought that was a funny story. obviously, john though is talking about jesus as "the Word" and the friend was talking about the bible as "the word".
anyways i love how eugene peterson rephrases the first chapter of john and says, "the Word became flesh and moved into the neighborhood." what a picture. jesus moving into our neighborhood! and it goes on to say that, "we did not recognize him" or choose to recognize him. it just makes me wonder at how many times i have failed to recognize jesus when he is right next door or even staring me straight in the face! how many times i have chosen to ignore him, because i did not have time for him or i did not want to make time for him.
just something i was thinking about. well i'm off to go spend a few hours in "the word" because i have to get up early tomorrow. peace.

So this was supposed to be a short post....

i don't know what the deal is with me posting late at night or actually i guess early in the morning, but it seems to be the only time i have to post. so here is an update.

i sent in my application for that year long travel around the world AIM trip. i sent it in on friday and am now just hoping to hear from them sometime this week to plan a phone interview. we will see what happens???

in other news i went to the counting crows and goo goo dolls concert last thursday at the woodlands and it was AmazinG! originally i had bought the tickets for andrew, elaine, and i to go. i tried to make it a family affair for my bro's bday since all 3 of us love them and you could kinda say we grew up listening to them due to our cousin, stephen. or at least you could say we spent a very memorable summer with our cousin that involved him taking care of us everyday while our dad was at work and mom was going to school. i think the only bands we listened to that whole summer were the counting crows, big head todd & the monsters and crash test dummies. i also remember watching a lot of american gladiators that summer, and being tempted to climb out my bathroom window to escape my brother and cousin who had teamed up against me while my sister was gone. that was like 12 or 13 years ago. sorry i am getting a little nostalgic. that was a crazy summer my family and i still laugh about. so my point is since then the counting crows have been one of my top 5 favorite bands of all time!
anyways my brother couldn't make it to the concert, but i already had the tickets and i was afraid i was going to have to go by myself. i definitely would have gone by myself, too. i had waited almost a decade to see the cc live, but then i remembered i have incredible friends and though my friend emily rice and i disagreed on who the better band was, we all had a fabulous time. At least vanessa agreed with me that the counting crows are AmazinG! The 10 year wait was worth it! i only wish they could have played for longer. i would have stayed and listened to them play all of their songs. i honestly must say that i have a greater love now for adam durtz then i did before. i mean before i was distracted by the hairdo, seriously, i never understood what girls saw in him. but now seeing him live, playing the piano and just the passion he has for his music...wow! he's an artist. and as emily would say, "i'd date him" :). i have to say that the cc were the best part of the whole night for me!!!
the goo goo dolls, on the other hand, i mean i love their songs, especially from dizzy up the girl and their new cd let love in, but the lead singer and the bass player grossed me out. johnny was drunk or high or something. he said he wasn't but that just makes me believe he was. so he said some pretty crazy things. then there was the bass player... my friend, emily, and i decided he reminded us of the torturer guy in the princess bride. remember the guy who says to wesley, "you're in the depths of despair" in that scratchy creepy voice. that is how the bass player sounded and he sang 3 songs that were horrible, but apparantly he sings on the cds and my only response to hearing that was "why!???"

the rest of the weekend was slow but nice. i took a few mid-high girls bowling and i did pretty well i must say, at least the first game. i mean i got at least 8 pins every turn, and i got a strike as well. so yeah i was pretty hot that game, the next one though stunk, oh well. we all had fun.

today or i guess now yesterday was my day off and i um pretty much did nothing of value. it took me 12 hrs to finally make it to the YMCA to workout. i woke up at 7:30 to go to Yoga, but i never made it and ended up in the woodlands at the mall looking for black pants and then wishing i had gone to workout, because i was depressing myself realizing that instead of losing weight i keep gaining it and am now a size larger than i was!!! AAAAAAAAAAH!!! well i bought the pants, (cuz i need to start dressing older or at least my age. i am tired of being thought of as a high schooler and dressing like i'm still in college.) then i came back and went to workout and it was good.
after the workout, i met up with vanessa at starbucks, because she was going to study and i was going to read...and we did for the last 30 min. we were there. the first hour though we talked about women in christianity and who do we have to look up to as role models. that started because we were talking about books we like to read and somehow got into christian fiction and a lot of that is geared to women and the way women are portrayed in some of those stories can be disheartening. it truly is confusing for a christian girl growing up in these evangelical southern churches to know what her role is? i mean is it right for her to teach if she has been given the gift of teaching? shouldn't she use this gift? and what is a woman's role who never marries? why does a woman's worth have to come from marriage and having children? whay are single women a lot of times looked down on or pitied by churches? there is only one place i can think of in the bible right now where it says "a woman will be saved through childbirth", 2 Tim 2:?, but that can be interpreted several different ways. in fact i think there are more convincing arguments for not getting married in the bible. also, the bible was written in a time where women had to get married, because they were not able to own property or vote and did not have means to support themselves. women nowadays do though. i am not arguing against ever getting married. i mean i know that one day i definitely would like to be a wife and mother, but i know that there is value in being single (i would not be able to even think about this AIM trip i am applying for if i were married and had children). it just makes me sad that i was fed all this legalistic crap when i was younger and i believed it whole-heartedly. now, though it's been a continuous struggle over the last couple of years, I am finally realizing and experiencing the freedom that Jesus offers and the adventure that life can be when i follow him.
anyways i am so grateful for vanessa's friendship, because i never know where our conversations will lead to and i have been challenged so many times by our conversations, which only helps me to grow firmer in my faith and God's love for me. God has a plan for me. He created me, he knows what i can do even when i don't. thanks God for knowing me, and help me to know you more.

a hundred questions and a lot of randomness

okay so i don't know why i am still awake at 1 am but i am. i think i just have a ton on my mind it's been a weird day. for example alan is gone this week and so it was just me and chad running the three programs (octane, vortex, route56) tonight. well chad had to go to the doctor this afternoon, and found out he has to have surgery tomorrow. crazy. i'm kind of scared for him. i hope everything goes well tomorrow. he ended up coming and taking care of route56 while i took over vortex and octane. i don't mind teaching the middle school, but i always have a hard time with the high school. they are more intimidating to teach, probably because i feel like they are constantly comparing me to chad, who is a great teacher. i don't know, i feel it went alright, though i definitely need to be more confident in myself and what i am saying.

i hate it confidence has always been a struggle for me. i think i go through these phases in life where i am really confident and then other periods where i am not. i feel like in college i was a confident person and i wonder if that had a lot to do with doing well in school, like i found my worth in my grades and since i did really well i was confident in myself. not being in school anymore and not having anything physical or tangible to base my worth on is difficult. i know i should find my worth in God's love and acceptance and belief in me, but that is a struggle for me. i am jealous of the people who know what they are good at and are able to do it. i don't know what i am good at. i was good at being a student, but i can't afford to be a student the rest of my life. i mean i hope i will always be learning, but not enrolled in a school the rest of my life.

so this last year i have been struggling to be confident and also to know what i am good at and figure out what i am going to do with the rest of my life. am i called to live my life overseas as a missionary or am i called to minister to the homeless in houston, and will i be good at either of those things? am i being stubborn and naive to not want any part of the corporate world? is a comfortable lifestyle really something i am willing to give up? right now i am definitely struggling with these questions, and honestly i am scared of the answers. following Jesus is scary, but i know it offers the best life possible. do i trust God enough or is our relationship close enough for me to actually abandon everything i love and follow him?

i finished my application for the world race tonight. it's a year long mission trip through adventures in mission, where you travel around the world to places like india, china, africa, europe, mexico, south america and you stay in each place for a month helping out with an orphanage or a summer camp or construction. whatever is needed to help that community your group does. i was reading one of the girl's blogs who is a member of the race right now and she told of how when they arrived at an orphanage the people who were running it were taken to prison for running a christian ministry. when this happens the children are dispersed to other relatives or anyone who will take them in to keep them safe. can you believe christians are still being persecuted; thrown in jail or killed? why do i feel like we ignore it in the US? why does it seem like the only christians american churches care about are american christians. how can we even call ourselves christians if we are not loving our fellow brothers and sisters let alone our enemies? ......

when i was finishing up one of the last questions on the application today i started thinking about peru, and the children there. i also started to get disgusted at myself, because those children are still there suffering from lack of food and dehydration while somehow i have managed to easily adjust back to my comfortable lifestyle and somehow compartmentalize what i saw there and say i did all i could do. that's a lie. why should i be given anymore than those children? i am no better. they deserve every opportunity that i have had. they shouldn't have to go to bed hungry or on a dirt floor. somehow i manage to convince myself that there is nothing i can do, but again that's a lie. why can't i do something? what am i so afraid of? God has entrusted me, us, to take care of each other to take care of this world. He believes we can. He believes I can. this is a big job. where do i start?
imagine if instead of looking out for ourselves and our own interests, everyone started looking out for their neighbor and making sure that if they had a need it was met? when if wealth and power were replaced with humbleness and love?

all of this to say i have finished my application but i have yet to submit it. i am scared. i really want to be accepted for this trip. when if they reject me? or when if i am accepted and on this trip i feel God call me to some remote place where only 1 in 100 people are christians and the rest hate christians? or when if i come back from this experience and still have no idea what direction my life is headed? should i be afraid of that? would that be wrong? i don't know. i will submit my application though tomorrow i just need an email address for a reference and it will be completely complete and i will send it in.

wow this is a crazy post. it's really random but what do you expect at this time in the morning? i just needed to write some thoughts down.

i love the beach!

I spent this past holiday weekend down at Surfside and it really was quite beautiful, seriously! Amazing weather and the water was not as brown and disgusting as it usually is, hardly any seaweed, and we saw porpoises (that is such a weird word to me, i prefer dolphin, but i was told they were not dolphins).
Hope and I were pretty far out (the ocean was really calm and shallow) just sitting and talking and I'm not joking when I say that about 2o feet away from me I see 2 porpoises jump out of the water. It was so unexpected and beautiful I shot up because I thought I was dreaming and screamed at Hope to look. She freaked out because she thought I saw a shark, because we were actually at that moment talking about sharks and shark attacks. Anyways it was pretty cool, but since we had freaked ourselves out with the shark stories we went back onto the beach and watched the porpoises from there. We must have seen at least 6 or 7 throughout the rest of the weekend it was pretty dang sweet!
I also had a pretty decent amount of time to read and finish Donald Miller's book Through Painted Deserts. It was great! It's not as "deep" as his other books, but it still had some great insights and it was a great story to read. I love his writing! It was definitely a great beach read.

I found a new band on myspace this morning, Clark. They sound a lot like Nick Drake. I like them a lot. I also splurged last night and bought the newest Muse cd and Ben Folds cd as well. Oh Itunes one day to save money I will be forced to delete you. I never realized how addicted I am to music until recently. Maybe it is a recent addiction since my Ipod, I don't know? I love music though and I love to play it, but I think I love listening to it more. I wish Kingwood offered more in the music area. If only Westheimer or Downtown Houston was closer. Anyways nothing insightful tonight. Maybe one of these days I will be more insightful. Not tonight though. I need to go to bed. Peace.

disgraceland

before my first communion at 40, i clung
to doubt as Satan spider-like stalked
the orb of dark surrounding Eden
for a wormhole into paradise.

god had first formed me in the womb
small as a bite of burger.
once my lungs were done
he sailed a soul like a lit arrow

to inflame me. maybe that piercing
made me howl at birth,
or the masked creatures
whose scalpel cut a lightning bolt to free me----

i was hoisted by the heels and swatted, fed
and hauled through rooms. time-lapse photos show
my fingers grew past crayon outlines
my feet came to fill spike heels.

eventually, i lurched out to kiss the wrong mouths,
get stewed, and sulk around. christ always stood
to one side with a glass of water
i swatted the sap away.

when my thirst got great enough
to ask, a stream welled up inside;
some jade wave buoyed me forward;
and i found myself upright

in the instant, with a garden
inside my own ribs a flourish. there, the arbor leafs.
the vines push out plump grapes.
you are loved, someone said. take that

and eat it.

-mary karr

Alias to the rescue

today vanessa and i had an 'alias' marathon. she called me around 11 this morning because she had been throwing up all night. so i took her some gatorade and crackers and emitrol (this stuff is amazing! if you are ever nauseas get this. it works wonders!). i also took over the first season of 'alias' because i mean if you have to stay indoors all day there is no better show to watch. she had never seen it before, but i convinced her it was pretty good and that if she didn't like it after the first episode we'd watch something else. well she was hooked after that first episode, and we watched 7 episodes!!! it has been awhile since i have watched the first season, and i had forgotten about a lot of the episodes so i really enjoyed watching them again. wow, i'm such a loser. anyways i ended up leaving the first season there so she could watch the rest of it. i really need to get the 2nd and 3rd seasons on dvd [gosh see there i go needing stuff that won't matter in 10 years (8/25 post)]. anyways some of you might see this as a wasted day, but it wasn't. what better way to spend a lazy rainy saturday than with a good friend and a season of alias. we were entertained and nobody likes to be alone when they are sick that's depressing. when you are sick is when you most want to know that people care about you and want to take care of you. it made me realize how much i miss my roommates, and i totally missed juli and her delicious margaritas today. if it was not for her i would never have known the joy that is alias :)

"i'm not that inopay???"

i have a funny story. this last tuesday i had to watch kate (fred's daughter) in the nursery. she is hilarious by the way. we went from watching lilo & stitch to playing batman to coloring then back to batman and ended the afternoon by going outside and playing pirates. anyways while we were coloring she stands up and starts singing the chorus to "oops i did it again" by brittany spears. at first i thought she was trying to sing something else because the only part you could make out was the beginning words "oh baby, baby" and instead of "i'm not that innocent" it ended with "i'm not that inopay". it was by far the funniest part of my whole day. i literally could not stop laughing. it was so cute. i asked her to sing it again, and she was happy too. i also asked her where she knew that song from and apparently it plays on her barbie guitar. barbie and brittany together! what a world....

speaking of pop music i just watched jt's "sexy back" music video and all i can say is gross? i couldn't even watch it all, and is it me or does he always seem a bit 'stalkerish' in his videos. remember "cry me a river" what a weird video. and justin i don't know what kind of sexy you think you are bringing back, but i honestly think you ruined sexy. oh n'sync what has happened?

Why am I so needy?

I read Philippians 4 today from the Message where Paul writing from prison says:
"I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess...Actually, I dont' have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."
Paul, you amaze me! I for one am always in need, never satisfied. Everyday I need food, shelter, acceptance from peers. Somedays I even need a date or a boyfriend, and money is a constant need for an intern...I could go on. How I long to be able to live simply one day. I long to get over the insecurities and vanities and pride and selfishness that weigh on me everyday and cause me to believe that I am in need and unsatisfied. I long to trust God and believe Him when He tells me that He can provide for all of my needs. I desire to be content and happy in whatever my circumstance.
Paul is writing this passage in prison for goodness sakes! And this is way before they had tv's and indoor plumbing and all the other stuff they have in prisons now to make prisoners more comfortable. If Paul can learn to be content in whatever circumstance, with God's help I can too. I think it will take getting me out of this comfortable lifestyle I now lead. If I want something, I can get it. When I'm hungry I eat, when I need new clothes I go buy some. I am especially bad with books and music! If I want a book majority of the time I will buy it no question, cds too. I am spoiled. I have so many books and cds and movies, but i still want more. why? and clothes. i have clothes everywhere, but i still want more. i hate the fashion industry! why does one exist? why do clothes really matter? it really is quite silly when you think about it. it is so important for us to look good on the outside though...sorry getting off topic. Anyways it is a struggle, but this year i want to learn what it means to be content in whatever my circumstance and stop trying to fill my own needs with what the world tells me I am missing, but trust God and allow Him to satisfy my hunger and thirst.