a hundred questions and a lot of randomness
okay so i don't know why i am still awake at 1 am but i am. i think i just have a ton on my mind it's been a weird day. for example alan is gone this week and so it was just me and chad running the three programs (octane, vortex, route56) tonight. well chad had to go to the doctor this afternoon, and found out he has to have surgery tomorrow. crazy. i'm kind of scared for him. i hope everything goes well tomorrow. he ended up coming and taking care of route56 while i took over vortex and octane. i don't mind teaching the middle school, but i always have a hard time with the high school. they are more intimidating to teach, probably because i feel like they are constantly comparing me to chad, who is a great teacher. i don't know, i feel it went alright, though i definitely need to be more confident in myself and what i am saying.
i hate it confidence has always been a struggle for me. i think i go through these phases in life where i am really confident and then other periods where i am not. i feel like in college i was a confident person and i wonder if that had a lot to do with doing well in school, like i found my worth in my grades and since i did really well i was confident in myself. not being in school anymore and not having anything physical or tangible to base my worth on is difficult. i know i should find my worth in God's love and acceptance and belief in me, but that is a struggle for me. i am jealous of the people who know what they are good at and are able to do it. i don't know what i am good at. i was good at being a student, but i can't afford to be a student the rest of my life. i mean i hope i will always be learning, but not enrolled in a school the rest of my life.
so this last year i have been struggling to be confident and also to know what i am good at and figure out what i am going to do with the rest of my life. am i called to live my life overseas as a missionary or am i called to minister to the homeless in houston, and will i be good at either of those things? am i being stubborn and naive to not want any part of the corporate world? is a comfortable lifestyle really something i am willing to give up? right now i am definitely struggling with these questions, and honestly i am scared of the answers. following Jesus is scary, but i know it offers the best life possible. do i trust God enough or is our relationship close enough for me to actually abandon everything i love and follow him?
i finished my application for the world race tonight. it's a year long mission trip through adventures in mission, where you travel around the world to places like india, china, africa, europe, mexico, south america and you stay in each place for a month helping out with an orphanage or a summer camp or construction. whatever is needed to help that community your group does. i was reading one of the girl's blogs who is a member of the race right now and she told of how when they arrived at an orphanage the people who were running it were taken to prison for running a christian ministry. when this happens the children are dispersed to other relatives or anyone who will take them in to keep them safe. can you believe christians are still being persecuted; thrown in jail or killed? why do i feel like we ignore it in the US? why does it seem like the only christians american churches care about are american christians. how can we even call ourselves christians if we are not loving our fellow brothers and sisters let alone our enemies? ......
when i was finishing up one of the last questions on the application today i started thinking about peru, and the children there. i also started to get disgusted at myself, because those children are still there suffering from lack of food and dehydration while somehow i have managed to easily adjust back to my comfortable lifestyle and somehow compartmentalize what i saw there and say i did all i could do. that's a lie. why should i be given anymore than those children? i am no better. they deserve every opportunity that i have had. they shouldn't have to go to bed hungry or on a dirt floor. somehow i manage to convince myself that there is nothing i can do, but again that's a lie. why can't i do something? what am i so afraid of? God has entrusted me, us, to take care of each other to take care of this world. He believes we can. He believes I can. this is a big job. where do i start?
imagine if instead of looking out for ourselves and our own interests, everyone started looking out for their neighbor and making sure that if they had a need it was met? when if wealth and power were replaced with humbleness and love?
all of this to say i have finished my application but i have yet to submit it. i am scared. i really want to be accepted for this trip. when if they reject me? or when if i am accepted and on this trip i feel God call me to some remote place where only 1 in 100 people are christians and the rest hate christians? or when if i come back from this experience and still have no idea what direction my life is headed? should i be afraid of that? would that be wrong? i don't know. i will submit my application though tomorrow i just need an email address for a reference and it will be completely complete and i will send it in.
wow this is a crazy post. it's really random but what do you expect at this time in the morning? i just needed to write some thoughts down.
i hate it confidence has always been a struggle for me. i think i go through these phases in life where i am really confident and then other periods where i am not. i feel like in college i was a confident person and i wonder if that had a lot to do with doing well in school, like i found my worth in my grades and since i did really well i was confident in myself. not being in school anymore and not having anything physical or tangible to base my worth on is difficult. i know i should find my worth in God's love and acceptance and belief in me, but that is a struggle for me. i am jealous of the people who know what they are good at and are able to do it. i don't know what i am good at. i was good at being a student, but i can't afford to be a student the rest of my life. i mean i hope i will always be learning, but not enrolled in a school the rest of my life.
so this last year i have been struggling to be confident and also to know what i am good at and figure out what i am going to do with the rest of my life. am i called to live my life overseas as a missionary or am i called to minister to the homeless in houston, and will i be good at either of those things? am i being stubborn and naive to not want any part of the corporate world? is a comfortable lifestyle really something i am willing to give up? right now i am definitely struggling with these questions, and honestly i am scared of the answers. following Jesus is scary, but i know it offers the best life possible. do i trust God enough or is our relationship close enough for me to actually abandon everything i love and follow him?
i finished my application for the world race tonight. it's a year long mission trip through adventures in mission, where you travel around the world to places like india, china, africa, europe, mexico, south america and you stay in each place for a month helping out with an orphanage or a summer camp or construction. whatever is needed to help that community your group does. i was reading one of the girl's blogs who is a member of the race right now and she told of how when they arrived at an orphanage the people who were running it were taken to prison for running a christian ministry. when this happens the children are dispersed to other relatives or anyone who will take them in to keep them safe. can you believe christians are still being persecuted; thrown in jail or killed? why do i feel like we ignore it in the US? why does it seem like the only christians american churches care about are american christians. how can we even call ourselves christians if we are not loving our fellow brothers and sisters let alone our enemies? ......
when i was finishing up one of the last questions on the application today i started thinking about peru, and the children there. i also started to get disgusted at myself, because those children are still there suffering from lack of food and dehydration while somehow i have managed to easily adjust back to my comfortable lifestyle and somehow compartmentalize what i saw there and say i did all i could do. that's a lie. why should i be given anymore than those children? i am no better. they deserve every opportunity that i have had. they shouldn't have to go to bed hungry or on a dirt floor. somehow i manage to convince myself that there is nothing i can do, but again that's a lie. why can't i do something? what am i so afraid of? God has entrusted me, us, to take care of each other to take care of this world. He believes we can. He believes I can. this is a big job. where do i start?
imagine if instead of looking out for ourselves and our own interests, everyone started looking out for their neighbor and making sure that if they had a need it was met? when if wealth and power were replaced with humbleness and love?
all of this to say i have finished my application but i have yet to submit it. i am scared. i really want to be accepted for this trip. when if they reject me? or when if i am accepted and on this trip i feel God call me to some remote place where only 1 in 100 people are christians and the rest hate christians? or when if i come back from this experience and still have no idea what direction my life is headed? should i be afraid of that? would that be wrong? i don't know. i will submit my application though tomorrow i just need an email address for a reference and it will be completely complete and i will send it in.
wow this is a crazy post. it's really random but what do you expect at this time in the morning? i just needed to write some thoughts down.
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