follow me

But Samuel replied:

"Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better than the fat of rams."
I Samuel 15:22

why do we feel that we know more than God? God specifically ordered Saul to destroy all of the Amalekites and everything belonging to them. Everything belonging to them, including animals. Saul decides to save some of the animals, the ones he found to be good, to sacrifice to the Lord. This was displeasing to the Lord and Saul loses the throne.

i'm struggling. obedience is something i strive for, but it is so difficult for me not to think my way is better.

i am always in such a hurry to get on to the next phase of my life. in middle school i couldn't wait to go to high school. in high school i couldn't wait to get to college. in college i couldn't wait to get out of school and i felt "start my life". now i can't wait and am eagerly searching for what is next in my life. everyone tells me that, "you are where you're supposed to be." and i believe that for the most part. I know God is shaping me and has been shaping for what he has called me to do. It is just difficult to be patient and to obey.

He has taught me so much about love and truth and justice. He is not bound by anything! it's so easy for religion to create God in their own image and for them to give him limits and claim to know everything about His Law and His Truth. I am so thankful God is not bound by religion! I am so thankful that He is defined as Love and Truth, and humans have very limited understanding on either.

But still i fail in being obedient when the God of Love and Truth calls me to "be still and know that I am God." why are relationships so difficult, yet so vital to our existence! my relationship with God is pretty one-sided right now. me talk you listen, God. one-sided relationships never work out well though. they become stagnant. i don't know why i am finding it difficult to listen to Him? i think i am afraid of what He will say. i think i am afraid of what's next or what's not next. I am starting to doubt myself and my dreams. are they real? yes, they are! i know they are. fear and doubt are my biggest adversaries.

I keep being reminded of this verse in John chapter 21. it takes place after Jesus is ressurected and he is with his disciples. Peter and Jesus are walking along talking and Jesus says to Peter,

"I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"
Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?"). When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?
Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."

i honestly don't know why this verse affects me so much. i think it is because i hear Jesus saying to me "follow me" and my response is like Peter's. i look around to see what other people are doing. what are you calling other people to do? i compare my gifts with theirs and ask are you sure you want me to follow you? i want to follow Jesus. i really do! i want so much to be like him, but i doubt myself and my abilities. i fear the dangers of love and mercy and forgiveness and truth, but i know they are greatest things i will ever know. does that make sense?