disgraceland

before my first communion at 40, i clung
to doubt as Satan spider-like stalked
the orb of dark surrounding Eden
for a wormhole into paradise.

god had first formed me in the womb
small as a bite of burger.
once my lungs were done
he sailed a soul like a lit arrow

to inflame me. maybe that piercing
made me howl at birth,
or the masked creatures
whose scalpel cut a lightning bolt to free me----

i was hoisted by the heels and swatted, fed
and hauled through rooms. time-lapse photos show
my fingers grew past crayon outlines
my feet came to fill spike heels.

eventually, i lurched out to kiss the wrong mouths,
get stewed, and sulk around. christ always stood
to one side with a glass of water
i swatted the sap away.

when my thirst got great enough
to ask, a stream welled up inside;
some jade wave buoyed me forward;
and i found myself upright

in the instant, with a garden
inside my own ribs a flourish. there, the arbor leafs.
the vines push out plump grapes.
you are loved, someone said. take that

and eat it.

-mary karr

Alias to the rescue

today vanessa and i had an 'alias' marathon. she called me around 11 this morning because she had been throwing up all night. so i took her some gatorade and crackers and emitrol (this stuff is amazing! if you are ever nauseas get this. it works wonders!). i also took over the first season of 'alias' because i mean if you have to stay indoors all day there is no better show to watch. she had never seen it before, but i convinced her it was pretty good and that if she didn't like it after the first episode we'd watch something else. well she was hooked after that first episode, and we watched 7 episodes!!! it has been awhile since i have watched the first season, and i had forgotten about a lot of the episodes so i really enjoyed watching them again. wow, i'm such a loser. anyways i ended up leaving the first season there so she could watch the rest of it. i really need to get the 2nd and 3rd seasons on dvd [gosh see there i go needing stuff that won't matter in 10 years (8/25 post)]. anyways some of you might see this as a wasted day, but it wasn't. what better way to spend a lazy rainy saturday than with a good friend and a season of alias. we were entertained and nobody likes to be alone when they are sick that's depressing. when you are sick is when you most want to know that people care about you and want to take care of you. it made me realize how much i miss my roommates, and i totally missed juli and her delicious margaritas today. if it was not for her i would never have known the joy that is alias :)

"i'm not that inopay???"

i have a funny story. this last tuesday i had to watch kate (fred's daughter) in the nursery. she is hilarious by the way. we went from watching lilo & stitch to playing batman to coloring then back to batman and ended the afternoon by going outside and playing pirates. anyways while we were coloring she stands up and starts singing the chorus to "oops i did it again" by brittany spears. at first i thought she was trying to sing something else because the only part you could make out was the beginning words "oh baby, baby" and instead of "i'm not that innocent" it ended with "i'm not that inopay". it was by far the funniest part of my whole day. i literally could not stop laughing. it was so cute. i asked her to sing it again, and she was happy too. i also asked her where she knew that song from and apparently it plays on her barbie guitar. barbie and brittany together! what a world....

speaking of pop music i just watched jt's "sexy back" music video and all i can say is gross? i couldn't even watch it all, and is it me or does he always seem a bit 'stalkerish' in his videos. remember "cry me a river" what a weird video. and justin i don't know what kind of sexy you think you are bringing back, but i honestly think you ruined sexy. oh n'sync what has happened?

Why am I so needy?

I read Philippians 4 today from the Message where Paul writing from prison says:
"I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess...Actually, I dont' have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."
Paul, you amaze me! I for one am always in need, never satisfied. Everyday I need food, shelter, acceptance from peers. Somedays I even need a date or a boyfriend, and money is a constant need for an intern...I could go on. How I long to be able to live simply one day. I long to get over the insecurities and vanities and pride and selfishness that weigh on me everyday and cause me to believe that I am in need and unsatisfied. I long to trust God and believe Him when He tells me that He can provide for all of my needs. I desire to be content and happy in whatever my circumstance.
Paul is writing this passage in prison for goodness sakes! And this is way before they had tv's and indoor plumbing and all the other stuff they have in prisons now to make prisoners more comfortable. If Paul can learn to be content in whatever circumstance, with God's help I can too. I think it will take getting me out of this comfortable lifestyle I now lead. If I want something, I can get it. When I'm hungry I eat, when I need new clothes I go buy some. I am especially bad with books and music! If I want a book majority of the time I will buy it no question, cds too. I am spoiled. I have so many books and cds and movies, but i still want more. why? and clothes. i have clothes everywhere, but i still want more. i hate the fashion industry! why does one exist? why do clothes really matter? it really is quite silly when you think about it. it is so important for us to look good on the outside though...sorry getting off topic. Anyways it is a struggle, but this year i want to learn what it means to be content in whatever my circumstance and stop trying to fill my own needs with what the world tells me I am missing, but trust God and allow Him to satisfy my hunger and thirst.